The ONE Text You Should Never Send (No Matter How Tempted You Are)

By Hans

There's one text message that ruins more relationships than any other. It's the text that seems harmless in the moment but leaves a trail of destruction that can take months to repair. I see it over and over again in my conversations with users, and every single time, the person wishes they could take it back.

The Text That Kills Relationships:

"We need to talk."

That's it. Four simple words that send anyone's heart racing and mind spiraling into worst-case scenarios.

Why This Text Is Relationship Poison

When someone receives "We need to talk," their brain immediately goes to DEFCON 1. They're not thinking about good news. They're mentally preparing for breakups, betrayals, or confrontations. You've just activated their fight-or-flight response before the conversation even begins.

Here's what happens in their head:

• "Oh god, they're breaking up with me"
• "What did I do wrong?"
• "Are they seeing someone else?"
• "How bad is this going to be?"

By the time you actually talk, they're already defensive, anxious, or emotionally shut down. You've poisoned the well before taking a sip.

What to Send Instead

If it's something serious: "Hey, I have something on my mind I'd like to discuss with you. Are you free to talk tonight? Nothing bad - I just value your input."

If it's a relationship issue: "I've been thinking about us and would love to hear your thoughts on something. When's a good time for you?"

If you're upset about something: "Something happened today that bothered me. Can we chat about it? I'd rather talk it through than let it fester."

If it's actually good news: "I have something exciting to share with you! Call me when you get a chance."

The Judy Test

Before you send any "serious conversation" text, ask yourself: Would receiving this message make ME panic?

If the answer is yes, rewrite it. Add context. Remove the ominous tone. Give them a reason to look forward to the conversation instead of dreading it.

Angel Judy Says:

"Your words are seeds, darling. Plant ones that grow connection, not fear. When you give someone context and reassurance, you're showing them love even before the conversation begins."

Witch Judy Says:

"Stop being dramatic. If you want to have an adult conversation, communicate like an adult. 'We need to talk' is what children say when they want attention through anxiety. Do better."

The Bottom Line

Relationships thrive on feeling safe with each other. The moment you send "We need to talk," you've made your partner feel unsafe, even if that wasn't your intention. Good communication isn't just about what you say during the conversation - it's about how you approach the conversation in the first place.

Your relationship deserves better than anxiety-inducing texts. And so do you.

Need help navigating a tough conversation with your partner? Ask Judy for personalized advice on exactly what to say and how to say it. Get 8 free questions to start.